California Santa Rosa Mission


I was losing a pound every other day when I asked to go home. There was no amount of scripture that could soothe the adrenaline in my body after three very traumatic events. My fingers could count the days until my last transfer when the stabbing pains during meals started. I had stomach cramps, extreme fatigue, headaches, dizziness, and constant shivering--which I learned later are all symptoms of rapid weight loss. At my last relief society event we sang I Know That My Redeemer Lives, “He lives my hungry soul to feed…”. 

I felt defeated and relieved to leave my mission. I gave my “homecoming” speech to doctors. I had been on a liquid diet for 40 days when I was admitted to the hospital. There I was offered me a handful of diagnosis, and a feeding tube.

I learned we are all hungry. Some are hungry for belonging, others crave safety, and others long for love. In the end I was starving to feel seen. I decided in the months that came later to turn my grief into an appetite for art. We are told, “...feast upon the word...”. And while the Book of Mormon has no calories, I have felt soothed making black out poems from it’s pages nonetheless. I hope we all find the nourishment we are looking for.